Light Being ॐ

Coming Home to Yourself: The Architecture of Healing

There is a tenderness in the human heart that knows, without words, when we have been carrying too much for too long. You feel it sometimes in the early morning, or in that moment when someone asks “how are you?” and actually waits for the answer. A softening. A recognition. The soul saying quietly: I am so tired of being afraid.

This is where healing begins—not in the doing, but in the noticing. In the gentle acknowledgment that you have been living in a way that splits you from yourself.

The Wound as Teacher

Carl Jung reminded us that “the wound is the place where the Light enters you.” But first, we must be willing to turn toward the wound with something other than judgment. Most of us have learned to treat our pain like an enemy—something to be conquered, transcended, bypassed. We want to leap from suffering to enlightenment without walking through the valley between.

Yet the wound itself is often our most profound teacher. It shows us where we abandoned ourselves, where we learned that love required our silence, where we discovered that being seen was dangerous. Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories; it lives in our muscles, our breathing, our instinctive recoil from tenderness.

Ram Dass taught us to “treat everyone you meet as if they were God in drag.” What if we extended that same reverence to the parts of ourselves we’ve learned to exile? The frightened child. The angry adolescent. The part that still flinches. What if these fragments aren’t obstacles to healing but exactly what needs to be held?

The Practice of Wise Boundaries

Jack Kornfield speaks of boundaries as an expression of loving-kindness—not just toward others, but toward ourselves. In Buddhist practice, there is the concept of metta, or loving-kindness, which begins with the self. Not from selfishness, but from the understanding that we cannot offer what we have not cultivated within.

A boundary is not a wall built from fear. It is a teaching that says: “I respect myself enough to honor my limits. I respect you enough to be honest about them.”

Many of us learned to set our boundaries like barricades because we had to. We were overrun. Our “no” wasn’t heard, so we built fortresses. But as we heal, we can learn a different way—boundaries that breathe, that flex, that protect without isolating. This requires us to become students of our own nervous system, to notice when we’re reacting from old fear versus responding from present wisdom.

The question is never “Am I allowed to have this boundary?” The question is “What boundary would allow me to remain present to love—both for myself and for others?”

What the Soul Actually Hungers For

Jung wrote that “the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” But first we must recognize how we’ve contorted ourselves to fit into spaces too small for our souls.

Trauma teaches us to want less. To need less. To be less. We learn to translate our deepest longings into a language of minimums: I just need them to stop hurting me. I just need to make it through today. I just need to not feel so much.

But beneath the protective numbness, the soul has never stopped knowing what it needs:

  • To be seen without having to perform
  • To be loved without having to earn it
  • To rest without having to collapse first
  • To speak truth without bracing for punishment
  • To take up space without apologizing for existence

Ram Dass said, “We’re all just walking each other home.” But so many of us have forgotten where home is. We’ve been wandering so long in the territory of other people’s expectations, trying to make ourselves into shapes they could accept.

Coming home means returning to the truth of your own being. Not the defended self. Not the performing self. But the self that knows, has always known, what it needs to flourish.

The Alchemy of Letting Go

There’s a Zen teaching: “Let go or be dragged.” But letting go is perhaps the most difficult art we’ll ever learn, because it requires us to release not just what happened, but who we became because of what happened.

You may need to let go of:

  • The loyalty to people who required your smallness
  • The belief that your vigilance is what keeps you safe
  • The identity built around your suffering
  • The hope that if you just understand it perfectly, retroactively, you can change what happened

Jack Kornfield writes about forgiveness not as condoning what happened, but as releasing the burden of carrying it. This includes forgiving yourself—for surviving however you needed to survive, for the ways you learned to cope, for taking so long to leave, for staying too long, for loving people who couldn’t love you back.

Letting go is not a single heroic gesture. It’s a thousand small releases. Each time you notice the old story arising and choose not to identify with it. Each time you feel the familiar contraction and breathe space around it. Each time you say “that was then; this is now.”

The Sacred Work of Reprogramming

Jung spoke of individuation—the process of becoming whole by integrating what we’ve disowned. This is the deeper meaning of reprogramming: not becoming someone different, but becoming more fully yourself by reclaiming what you had to exile to survive.

Your nervous system learned its patterns in relationship—often in relationships where you were not safe. Which means it can learn new patterns in relationship too. Relationship with a therapist. With a community. With your own witnessing awareness. With the divine, however you understand it.

Ram Dass taught that “the resistance to the unpleasant situation is the root of suffering.” But this doesn’t mean passive acceptance. It means meeting what is—including the ways you’re still programmed for a war that’s over—with compassionate awareness rather than self-attack.

The reprogramming happens in moments:

When the old pattern activates, and instead of running from it or drowning in it, you notice: Ah, there’s the fear. There’s the contraction. There’s the voice that says I’m too much.

You place your hand on your heart and speak to that frightened part: I see you. You learned this to keep us safe. Thank you. But we’re safe now. We can try something different.

You breathe. Not forcing, just allowing. Creating space between stimulus and response, between trigger and reaction. In that space lives freedom.

You choose, consciously, what serves the person you’re becoming rather than the person trauma made you.

This is the work. Not once, but ten thousand times. With patience. With stumbling. With the understanding that healing isn’t linear but spiral—you’ll meet the same lessons again, but each time from a different altitude.

The Wisdom of Both/And

One of the most compassionate teachings we can hold is that we can be healing and still not healed. We can be wounded and still whole. We can honor how far we’ve come while acknowledging how far we have to go.

Jung said, “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” But we must add: “And I am allowed to choose slowly. Imperfectly. With setbacks.”

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to be fixed to be worthy of love. You don’t have to transcend your humanity to touch the divine.

Ram Dass, after his stroke, spoke about how his spiritual practice had to include accepting his broken body, his frustration, his dependence. The wisdom wasn’t in rising above the human condition but in meeting it with an open heart.

Grace and Grit

Jack Kornfield tells us that “the things that matter most in our lives are not fantastic or grand. They are moments when we touch one another.” This is true of healing too. It happens not in dramatic transformations but in the small, repeated choice to be kind to yourself when the old pattern arises. To try again after you’ve defaulted to old ways. To reach out when isolation feels safer.

There is grace in this work—moments of unexpected ease, of sudden insight, of feeling held by something larger than yourself. And there is grit—the determination to keep showing up for yourself even when it’s uncomfortable, even when old voices tell you you’re being selfish, even when progress feels glacial.

Both are necessary. Both are holy.

The Return

All spiritual traditions speak of a return—to God, to Self, to the present moment, to love. Healing is its own kind of homecoming. Not back to innocence (we cannot unknow what we know) but forward into wholeness.

You are not broken. You never were. You were fractured by circumstances that demanded it, and you survived by adapting brilliantly. Now you get to integrate those fragments, to gather the exiled parts, to say to every dimension of yourself: You belong here. You are welcome.

This is the deepest reprogramming—learning that you are not a problem to be solved but a being to be held. That your needs are not excessive but sacred. That your boundaries are not punishments but prayers. That letting go is not losing but making space for what wants to emerge.

The journey is long, and you are right on time. Wherever you are in this process, you are exactly where you need to be. The awareness that brought you here—that whisper that says something needs to change—is itself the beginning of transformation.

Be patient with yourself. You are meeting yourself, perhaps for the first time, without the armor. This takes extraordinary courage.

And you are doing it.

One breath, one choice, one moment of compassion at a time.

Practices for Coming Home: A Companion Guide (With Hyperlinks)

Daily Practices

1. The Morning Check-In: Meeting Yourself with Kindness

Time needed: 5-10 minutes

Before you reach for your phone or enter the demands of the day, sit quietly and ask yourself three questions. Place your hand on your heart as you do this.

  • “What am I carrying from yesterday that I can set down?”
  • “What does my body/heart/soul need today?”
  • “What boundary would help me stay present to myself today?”

Write down what arises without editing. These answers are intelligence from your deeper self.

2. The RAIN Practice (adapted from Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach)

Use when: Triggered, overwhelmed, caught in old patterns

R – Recognize: “I notice that I’m feeling anxious/angry/numb/small right now.”

A – Allow: “This feeling is here. I don’t have to fix it or push it away right now.”

I – Investigate with kindness: “Where do I feel this in my body? What does this feeling need? What is it protecting me from?”

N – Nurture: Place your hand on your heart and offer yourself the compassion you’d give a dear friend. “This is hard. I’m here with you. You’re not alone in this.”

Practice: Use RAIN daily for a week with minor irritations before using it with major triggers. This builds the neural pathway when stakes are lower.

Learn more: Tara Brach’s guided RAIN meditation and explanation

3. The Body Scan for Boundary Awareness

Time needed: 10-15 minutes

Lie down or sit comfortably. Slowly scan from head to toe, asking each part: “Are you holding tension that belongs to someone else’s expectations? What would you need to soften?”

Notice where you habitually brace:

  • Shoulders (carrying others’ burdens?)
  • Jaw (words you’re not speaking?)
  • Stomach (digesting what isn’t yours?)
  • Chest (protecting your heart?)

Breathe into these places. Imagine releasing what isn’t yours with each exhale.

Guided body scan: Jack Kornfield’s Body Scan Meditation

4. The Parts Dialogue (Internal Family Systems-inspired)

When to use: When you notice conflicting inner voices

Sit quietly and identify the different voices inside:

  • The Protector (keeps you safe through control, pleasing, or withdrawal)
  • The Wounded Child (the hurt part that never got what it needed)
  • The Inner Critic (attacks you before others can)
  • The Wise Self (your grounded, compassionate center)

Practice dialogue:

To the Protector: “Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I see how hard you’ve worked. What are you afraid will happen if you rest?”

To the Wounded Child: “I’m so sorry no one was there for you then. I’m here now. What do you need me to know?”

To the Inner Critic: “I know you learned that attacking me first felt safer than being surprised. But we’re safe now. Can you help in a different way?”

From the Wise Self: “I can hold all of you. You all belong.”

Write out these dialogues. Let each part speak until it feels heard.

Learn more about IFS: Internal Family Systems Institute

5. The Boundaries Practice: From Automatic to Conscious

Daily exercise for one month:

Keep a boundary journal. Each day, note:

  1. One time I said yes when I meant no (or vice versa)
    • What did I fear would happen if I was honest?
    • What was the actual cost of not honoring my truth?
  2. One boundary I successfully held
    • How did my body feel?
    • How did the other person respond?
    • What helped me stay grounded?
  3. One boundary I want to practice tomorrow
    • Script it out: “I appreciate you thinking of me, and I’m not available for that.”
    • Visualize yourself speaking it calmly

Remember: Boundaries get easier with practice. The first hundred times are the hardest.

6. The Needs Inventory (adapted from Nonviolent Communication)

Weekly practice:

Most of us have never learned to identify our actual needs, distinct from strategies to meet them. Use this framework:

Physical needs: Rest, nourishment, movement, touch, safety, shelter Emotional needs: To be seen, heard, understood, valued, to belong Autonomy needs: Choice, freedom, space, self-expression Meaning needs: Purpose, contribution, growth, celebration

Each week, identify:

  • Three needs that are currently met
  • Three needs that are hungry
  • One small action to feed a hungry need

Example:

  • Hungry need: To be seen
  • Small action: Share something true with one safe person
  • Not: Wait until someone finally notices me

NVC needs inventory: Free downloadable PDF from CNVC

7. Letting Go Ritual

Monthly or as needed:

Create a simple ceremony for release. This can be:

Writing and burning: Write what you’re ready to release on paper. Burn it safely, watching it transform.

Water ceremony: Write on dissolvable paper, place in water, watch it dissolve.

Walking meditation: Identify what you’re releasing. With each step, say internally: “I release [the belief that I’m too much]. I welcome [trust in my own worth].”

The key: Letting go isn’t once and done. You may need to release the same thing many times. This is normal. Each release goes deeper.

Dialogues: Speaking New Truths

Dialogue 1: Setting a Boundary with Someone Who Expects Access

Old pattern: Them: “Why haven’t you called me back? You always do this.” You (internal panic): “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ve been so busy, I’m terrible…”

New pattern: Them: “Why haven’t you called me back?” You (grounded): “I’ve been needing some space. I care about you, and I’m taking care of myself right now.”

If they push: “I understand you’re upset. I’m not available to process this right now.”

If they guilt: “I hear that this is hard for you. It’s still what I need.”

Key: You don’t need to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE). Your boundary is complete as stated.

Dialogue 2: Recognizing and Redirecting the Inner Critic

Critic says: “You’re so selfish. Everyone else manages just fine. What’s wrong with you?”

Old response: Collapse into shame, believe it, try harder to be selfless.

New response: You: “I notice you’re trying to protect me by attacking me first. Thank you for trying. I’m curious—what are you really afraid of?”

Critic: “That if people see you’re not selfless, they’ll leave.”

You: “That’s a real fear. It happened before. And I survived it. And now I get to find out who stays when I’m honest about my needs. The ones who leave when I have boundaries weren’t safe anyway.”

Practice this dialogue out loud. Hearing yourself speak to the critic with firmness and compassion rewires the pattern.

Dialogue 3: Asking for What You Need

The setup: You need something, but you’ve learned that needing makes you a burden.

Old pattern:

  • Don’t ask
  • Or ask apologetically: “I’m so sorry to bother you, and I totally understand if you can’t, and it’s really not a big deal, but maybe if you have time…”

New pattern: Direct ask: “I need some help with [specific thing]. Are you available?”

If yes: “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

If no: “I understand. Thanks for letting me know.”

Key:

  • Be specific
  • Make it a question, not a demand disguised as a question
  • Accept the answer without collapsing or attacking
  • Their “no” is information, not rejection

Dialogue 4: Rewriting the Story with Your Younger Self

Practice: Visualization and letter-writing

Imagine yourself at the age when the wound first formed. See that child clearly—what they’re wearing, the expression on their face.

Approach them as your current self. Say what they needed to hear then:

“What happened to you was not your fault.” “You deserved to be protected, and I’m sorry no one protected you.” “You are not too much. You were never too much.” “I’m here now. I won’t leave you. We’re going to be okay.”

Write a letter from your current self to your younger self. Then write a letter back—let that young part tell you what they need you to know.

Many people cry during this practice. This is healing, not breaking.

Reprogramming Exercises

Exercise 1: The Opposite Action (from DBT)

When to use: When your trauma response is activated but you’re actually safe

How it works:

  1. Notice the urge (to run, to appease, to attack, to numb)
  2. Ask: “Is this response appropriate to the actual threat level right now?”
  3. If no actual threat, do the opposite of your urge

Examples:

  • Urge to isolate → Reach out to one safe person
  • Urge to people-please → State a preference
  • Urge to numb → Feel the feeling for 90 seconds
  • Urge to attack → Pause, breathe, speak when calmer

Important: Only use opposite action when you’re SAFE. If your instinct says run, and you’re actually in danger, run.

Learn more about DBT: Behavioral Tech – What is DBT?

Exercise 2: The Resilience Timeline

One-time exercise, review annually

On a large paper, draw a timeline of your life. Mark:

  • Red dots: Traumatic events, losses, betrayals
  • Green dots: Times you survived, adapted, grew stronger
  • Blue dots: People who saw you, helped you, loved you well
  • Gold dots: Moments of joy, beauty, transcendence even amid pain

Step back and look at the whole picture. You’re not just your red dots. You’re the entire timeline—including all the green, blue, and gold.

Write: “Look how much I’ve survived. Look how resilient I am. Look how I’ve kept going.”

Exercise 3: The Glimmer Hunt (Polyvagal-informed)

Daily practice for nervous system regulation

We’re trained to hunt for danger (glimmers of threat). Train yourself to also hunt for “glimmers”—moments of safety, connection, beauty.

Set a phone reminder three times a day. When it goes off, identify one glimmer:

  • The warmth of sunlight
  • Your pet’s presence
  • A stranger’s smile
  • A good smell
  • A moment of laughter
  • Feet on solid ground

Why this matters: This trains your nervous system to recognize safety, not just threat. Over time, you’ll naturally notice more glimmers.

Learn more: Deb Dana on Glimmers and Polyvagal Theory

Exercise 4: The Reparenting Practice

When you notice you’re in a triggered state:

  1. Identify the need: “My child self needs comfort/safety/validation/play.”
  2. Become the parent you needed: Ask yourself, “What would a loving parent say/do right now?”
  3. Provide it:
    • Comfort: Wrap in a blanket, make tea, speak soothingly to yourself
    • Safety: “You’re safe. I’ve got you. We’re okay.”
    • Validation: “Your feelings make sense. Anyone would feel this way.”
    • Play: Do something joyful with no productivity goal

Key insight: You’re not waiting for someone else to finally parent you correctly. You’re learning to give yourself what you needed then and still need now.

Exercise 5: The Somatic Boundary Practice

Building physical awareness of your boundaries

Stand in the middle of a room. Have a trusted person walk slowly toward you. Say “stop” when they reach the edge of your comfortable space.

Notice:

  • Is your comfortable distance 1 foot? 5 feet? 10 feet?
  • Does it change based on who’s approaching?
  • What sensations tell you “too close”?

Practice saying “stop” clearly. Practice having them respect it immediately.

Advanced: Practice saying “closer” or “back up” to adjust in real-time.

This teaches: Your body knows your boundaries. Your job is to listen and honor them.

Resources and Books

Essential Reading

On Trauma and Healing:

  1. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
  2. “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker
    • Especially for developmental/childhood trauma
    • Practical tools for managing emotional flashbacks
    • Pete Walker’s website
  3. “What Happened to You?” by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey
    • Shifts from “what’s wrong with you?” to “what happened to you?”
    • Accessible, compassionate approach to trauma

On Boundaries:

  1. “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab
  2. “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Spiritual/Psychological Integration:

  1. “A Path with Heart” by Jack Kornfield
  2. “The Wise Heart” by Jack Kornfield
    • Buddhist practices for healing trauma
    • Exercises included
  3. “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass
    • Classic on presence and awakening
    • Helps with letting go of past and future
    • Ram Dass website
  4. “Walking Each Other Home” by Ram Dass and Mirabai Bush
    • Conversations on aging, suffering, and spiritual practice
    • Deeply human and touching
  5. “The Inner Work of Racial Justice” by Rhonda Magee
    • Mindfulness practices for healing social and personal trauma
    • Important for collective and individual healing
    • Rhonda Magee’s website

On the Psychology of Wholeness:

  1. “Memories, Dreams, Reflections” by Carl Jung
    • Jung’s autobiography and introduction to his work
    • On individuation and becoming whole
  2. “Owning Your Own Shadow” by Robert A. Johnson
    • Short, accessible intro to Jungian shadow work
    • Essential for integration
  3. “No Bad Parts” by Richard Schwartz
    • Understanding your internal parts (updated IFS book)
    • The foundation for parts work
    • IFS Institute

On Needs and Communication:

  1. “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg

On Self-Compassion:

  1. “Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff
    • Research-based approach to treating yourself kindly
    • Exercises and practices included
    • Self-Compassion.org
  2. “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach

On Somatic Healing:

  1. “Waking the Tiger” by Peter Levine
  2. “The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy” by Deb Dana
  3. “My Grandmother’s Hands” by Resmaa Menakem

Workbooks and Practical Guides

  1. “The Complex PTSD Workbook” by Arielle Schwartz
  2. “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook” by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer
  3. “It Didn’t Start with You” by Mark Wolynn
  4. “The DBT Skills Workbook” by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley

Audio/Video Resources

Podcasts:

Teachers/YouTube Channels:

Apps:

Therapy Modalities to Explore

If you have access to therapy, these modalities are particularly effective for trauma and reprogramming:

General Therapist Directories:

Online Communities and Support

Crisis Resources

If you’re in crisis, please reach out:

Free Online Courses and Resources

Books and Dharma Talks Available Free Online

YouTube Playlists for Healing

Newsletters and Blogs

A 30-Day Practice Plan

Week 1: Awareness

  • Morning Check-In daily
  • Boundary Journal daily
  • Read: “The Wise Heart” introduction
  • Listen: One Tara Brach podcast

Week 2: Regulation

  • Morning Check-In daily
  • RAIN practice when triggered
  • Glimmer Hunt 3x daily
  • Read: Begin “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”
  • Try: One guided meditation from Insight Timer

Week 3: Integration

Week 4: Action

  • Practice one new boundary this week
  • Letter to younger self
  • Letting go ritual
  • Review: What’s shifted?
  • Join: One online support group meeting

Final Practice: The Loving-Kindness Meditation (Metta)

Daily, 10 minutes

Sit comfortably. Place hand on heart. Repeat silently:

For yourself: “May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be at peace. May I be free from suffering.”

For someone who loved you well: “May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you be at peace. May you be free from suffering.”

For someone neutral: [Same phrases]

For someone difficult: [Same phrases – only when ready]

For all beings: “May all beings be safe. May all beings be healthy. May all beings be at peace. May all beings be free from suffering.”

This practice rewires your relationship to yourself and others. It is simple and profound.

Guided Metta practice: Tara Brach’s Loving-Kindness Meditation

A Note on Practice

Ram Dass said, “We’re all just walking each other home.” These practices are not about fixing yourself. They’re about befriending yourself. About learning to walk alongside your own pain with compassion instead of judgment.

Some days the practices will feel impossible. That’s okay. That’s information. Some days you’ll forget everything and default to old patterns. That’s okay too. That’s being human.

The practice is not perfection. The practice is return. Again and again, you come back. To your breath. To your body. To your truth. To kindness.

You are not a project. You are a process. An unfolding. A becoming.

And you are doing it beautifully.

Remember: Healing is not linear. There will be good days and hard days. The practices and resources here are offerings, not obligations. Take what serves you, leave what doesn’t, and return when you’re ready.

You are worthy of healing. You always have been.

Discover more from Light Being ॐ

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

Leave a comment

From the blog

About the author

Peter translates science, energy practices and philosophy into tools anyone can use. Whether navigating workplace stress, seeking deeper meaning, or simply wanting to live more consciously, his work offers accessible pathways to peace and purpose. Peter’s message resonates across backgrounds and beliefs: we all possess innate healing capacity and inner strength, waiting to be activated through simple, practical shifts in how we meet each day.

Discover more from Light Being ॐ

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading